If you’re baking a Pussycake this season and really need a serious pussy on your crew, don’t overlook Oregon Labor Commissioner Brad Avakian. If anyone can bake up some crooked bullshit it’s this guy.  
Local bakers in Oregon have found they are not safe from the reach of Baker Brad’s spatula of doom when it comes to their 1st Amendment rights. No sir-eee! If a baker in Oregon DARES to hold a different philosophical viewpoint than he, and act in accordance with that viewpoint, the Bradmeister will bake up a leavened batch of Penalty Muffins, Extortion Cakes and Gag-order Tarts to die for.

Just ask “Sweet Cakes by Melissa” owners Aaron and Melissa Klein. Sweet Cakes by Melissa served the gay community on a regular basis, baking cakes for birthdays, events, holidays and more, but on the day they refused to bake a frosted golden calf for a fuzzy bumper commitment ceremony the cake of religious intolerance went in the oven. Aaron and Melissa were frog-marched before a judge of sorts, and handed a Penalty Muffin of $136,927.07 in return for the Emotional Suffering Cupcake they baked for the lesbian couple holding the ceremony. (That seven cents really helps to take the edge off the suffering!)

But the extortive muffin wasn’t enough for Bakerboy Brad and his entourage. The Labor Commission of Oregon then slapped down a Gag-order Tart further oppressing the free speech of the Kleins which denies them the 1st Amendment Right to speak publicly about the reason for their baking decision. Well, quicker than you can say “Treason” or “Traitorous Government of Oregon”, December 2015 rolled around and Big Bad Brad put on his oven mitts of theft and reached into the Kleins’ bank accounts to pull the rest of the cake out of their oven. Aaron and Melissa woke to find Frosty the Snowjob had passed through, and as a result Santa was certainly not stopping by this Christmas.  

Does it get more pussy than that? Only Baker Brad has the answer.